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Calderwood May Have To Leave Aberdeen To Reinvigorate His Career And I May Have To Work On Shorter Titles As This Is Fairly Lengthy And Sits Uncomfortably On The Page I Mean What Do We Pay Sub-Editors For Oh Yeah They Were All Sacked In The Recent Round Of Job Cuts
Darrrryl Broadstraik, Chief Bollocks Spouter
Jimmy Calderwood must become Barcelona manager today. The Italian giants are the only club worthy of Calderwood's prodigious managerial talents - which have gone completely unnoticed in Scotland's north-west at his current club Aberdeen.
The Aberdeen support, whose heads are firmly anchored in the team's glory era of the 1960s, expect to win the World Cup every day. Fact. And their anacronistik superiory complecks flared up again at Hampden Park on Saturday after witnessing an entirely predictable cup exit against Queens Park Rangers. They are all c***s.
This support's lack of un-head-in-the-cloudsism meant they were furious at this season's 5-5 draw against Bayer Levergladbach at Pittodrie despite making the top eight of the SPL by beating Falmouth in the top five decider last Tuesday morning.
Calderwood has been blamed for every ill the club has suffered since losing the Scottish Cup final on penalties to Coventry in 1987. But it is in fact the fault of those very people who look to pin the blame on Calderwood: the fans. They got Alex Ferguson sacked in 1986, they blew over £2m on players in season 1934-35, they scored the winning goal for Rangers to hand the Ibrox club the title in 1993, they kidnapped Madeleine McCann.
Yet they still continue to have the nerve to live in our country.
What have these so-called Aberdeen fans contributed to this country that they think it owes them a living - when our old people are denied medical treatment and cancer patients are refused medicines because the NHS is short of money? Nothing.
Sure, Calderwood is not without blame for the toil endured. He signed all the players, coached them and they play to his tactics. He is fully in charge of team affairs, the assistant manager and coach are his appointments and he stands on the touchline on matchdays issuing instructions. He has been at Aberdeen for four years during which time he should have moulded the footballing side of the club to his satisfaction. He is in charge, he is fully responsible and the buck stops with him. He's fat, he's round, he weighs 500lb.
But forget all those facts - this is sensationalism. Calderwood would be better to leave now and find a club whose supporters will appreciate him - and now.
F***, I'm missing the Old Firm build-up on Sky.
And another thing . . .
I SEE that Tynecastle has been named Best Away Ground in the HSBC SPL Awards ceremony on Monday. Well the SPL beaks have really excelled themselves there...by naming a ground that is not even in Scotland!
I mean, how far 'away' does the Best Away Ground have to be?
According to my research, Tynecastle is Newcastle United's stadium, made famous by Glenn Hoddle and Chris Waddle's number one hit 'Fog on the Tynecastle'.
Surely next year they must hand over the organisation of these events to Jimmy Calderwood. Maybe then they will avoid the potential humiliation of non-Scottish grounds receiving non-awards at non-events. Wake up SPL!