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I can understand the hysteria (we really were that bad), but the problem with Opening Day fixtures is that because there's nothing else to compare it with there is a tendancy to jump to premature conclusions. So as bizarre as it might seem I still reckon we'll still be in the Top 6 and will still take a UEFA spot this season and yes I would have said exactly the same if we'd have thrashed Caley Thistle on Saturday.
It was a weird day all round, thanks to the weather it had the feel of a run of the mill mid-season game rather than a season opener…though on the up side at least it resolved my Metrosexual shorts-on-the-Y dilemma.
Actually we looked nae bad in the opening 15 minutes, zipping it about, carving open a few half chances and looking useful wi Caley lookin like they were happy to hang on in there for a draw…unfortunately from that point on it all turned to rat shit.
I was just texting a mate who was up at a wedding (in of all places Inversneck) something along the lines of…"Typical Caley game…we're sh*te, they're even worse" when I looked up and the ball was rolling in what appeared to be Super Slo-Mo across our box and whilst our defence did a passable impression of rabbits wi myxie, the lumbering galloot they had up front had all the time in the world to pass it into our net.
From that point on Caley dropped everyone even further back and we somehow got even worse.
The greatest excitement in what remained of the first half was the attack of the seagulls.
For three or four minutes they descended on the Y like Stukas on Dunkirk, flying barely a foot over the punters heads and a shout of "stand Aberdeen, stand!" went up as they caused choas. I mean I naively thought birds where meant to be afraid of humans nae fuckin challenging them tae a square go…and have ye seen the size of the f*ckin things?
Anyway, the second half started with JDV hooked for Mackie with Maguire sent out onto the left flank. Despite not thinking we could be any worse we actually were and despite having Ross Tokeley on the opposing side our only hope of scoring appeared to be from a corner, though Mackie managed to cock up our only real opening in his usual enigmatic way.
In the mean time, Jamie 'Bonnie Clangers the f*ckwit' Langfield demonstrated why we need a better quality keeper, with all the time in the world to deal with a passback for some reason he waited until a Caley player was right on top of him before clearing...straight to a Caley midfielder who fortunately skied it over an open goal. I realise that keepers accept responsibility for f*ck ups as often as politicians do but even Dubya himself wouldnae have had the balls to try and blame his defenders.
Given our history of last minute winners in this fixture, I like many others hung on in there against our better judgement but having predicted it it came as no surprise to see Caley break in the last minute and score a second. Mind you if 'synchronised stadium emptying' was an Olympic sport we'd be favourites for the gold - by the time the Caley player had wheeled away both RDS and Curva Sud were heading for the exits en masse. According to RLR, leaving early meant I missed Mackigol missing a sitter from three yards but by then my mind was on getting drunk…getting very very drunk in fact.
It would be churlish and smack of sour grapes not to give Caley credit but they were and are a mediocre side who rode their luck, who judging by their celebrations achieved all their season targets in the first 90 minutes. Similarly, I can only assume those who thought Barrowman looked good have fallen into the old 'he scored against us, therefore he must be good' trap. If any Caley players (with the exception of their wingers who had average games) looked good it was because we were so shockingly inept.
That I was patronised in The Pitt of all places by a Caley fan a few hours later didnae help me mood...though his suggestion that Ross Tokeley was a player suggested perhaps he'd taken the celebratory sherbets too far.
As for us, I'm willing to put it down to the entire side with the exception of Miller and Considine (who dealt with the very little he had to do easily) having a collective bad day at the office perhaps best personified by Rickaldinho's performance.
The loon should really have stayed in bed or thrown a Pele-style sicky as there was a spell in the first half when about half a dozen passes in a row went directly to an opponent. Mind you, our entire side's passing on Saturday fell into two categories, straight to where a player was five seconds earlier (and picked off by Caley) or into the spce they thought their team mate was going to be and - yep you guessed it - picked off by Caley.
The only real conclusions we can draw from Saturday is that when we're bad this season we'll be really bad and how worryingly easy it will be for our opponents to shut us down. Caley quickly sussed if they put two men on Smith we had no real creativity and then we were forced into humping long balls up to Miller, which again they sussed and when every he went up for a ball he had both central defenders all over him...that he managed to win most of the crappy balls that got sent his way is to his eternal credit and he did appear (well fae 100 yards away anyway) have a credible penalty claim turned down in the 2nd half.
No doubt we'll be given 'the team needs time to bed in' line in the next week, which is fair enough.
However there are some serious questions to be asked and resolved in the next few weeks. If we're going to play two deep holding central midfielders we'll need a pair of decent wingers down both flanks and getting to the byline, because if we're relying on JDV's pace to see us through then we truly are f*cked.
Also with Wright coming in, it looks like we'll be relying on the long ball more this season...if this is the route we're going down, then could we actually get them the ball, you know, inside the box rather than 35 yards away and expecting some sort of miracle or failing that have at least one of our central midfielders up in support to pick up the knock downs.
Calderwood has the guts of three weeks to find answers but whilst the knee jerk hysteria is best ignored for now if we're winless or pointless going into September and playing the shambolic way we did on Saturday then he'll find himself even less popular than before...which really is saying something.
The Red Avenger