View Fae The Red Side: Driech Dons 2 Smurn 0

Plus the Financial results fae last season came in, and I thought “Och, sod it, may as well lob ma £21 into the kitty.” Well, that and I had the choice of boredom at Pittodrie or boredom and feigning interest in looking at photos fae a Polish Wedding I wisnae at...Todders it was then.

Incidentally, do you reckon anyone at the club has advised the Fat Oaf that most Reds view the Record in a similar way to the way Scousers view the Sun; that is, as an odious arsewipe rag that along with its sister rag the Sunday Mail will never hesitate to smear and libel us (snowballs and cool bags, anyone)? If they havenae, perhaps someone should show him the bile laden editorial it carried after thon challenge that effectively ended Simmie's career.

Anyway spikkin of odious arsewipe rags that never hesitate to smear and libel us...The Depress. Now it's rare that masel and Depress columnist Stewart McDimmie find common ground, in fact this is the first time ever.

If you trawl back thru the archives you'll find a picture fae after the relegation playoff at East End Park of me and the Stoney Reds carrying the aforementioned gobshite off the park...there's not a day goes by when we don't think the world would have been a far far better place if we hadnae just dropped the f*cker and trampled him underfoot.

Anyway McDimmie opined that Smurn were a First Division outfit and Kirk Broadfoot isnae International class...loathed as I am to say it, I agree completely. They were awful; dire in extremis, their ambition consisted of sitting in and holding on for a point and maybe grabbing something on the break.

As for Broadfoot – an uncoordinated Gary Caldwell without the skill would just about cover him.I refer you to his performance in the game in Junkieville in August. And whilst I'm willing to be corrected it was he who lost possession to Smith in the build up to our second.

If Gus McPherson thinks his team competed on Saturday then one can only assume like most of his sides supporters he's been hitting the 'broon', and if his side disnae show more gumption they could soon find themselves in...well, the First Division.

Having said that if he wants to take his spat wi the Kincorth gobshite to its natural conclusion I can (and would be happy to) lend him a hammer and I ken a few loons who'd hold the gobshite doon like, ken if yer interested Gus?

Anyway on to the main (non)event, as discussed above Smurn were keech. Surely we'd over run them with what the Cuprinoled one calls “the most attack minded team in the country.” Er...no.

Oh sure, we had plenty of possession and were the only side who looked even mildly interested in scoring but my god it was poor fare. As for 'pass and move'...forget it, our off the ball movement was akin to that of a Subbuteo side. Alas my prayers for one o those Monty Python giant fingers to emerge fae the heavens and flick them up the arse went unheeded, and it seemed as if we needed planning permission to create an opening.

We managed fewer shots on target in the first half than Angus The Bull, Pudsey Bear, Pingu and a rather mangy looking Parsley the Lion managed in their half time kick about in front o The Merkie. In fact the only first half amusement I got was from a long timed exiled Fife Red's description of Dempsey: “You know that Dempsey: he's only two feet and a brain away fae being an average player.” Well, it raised a smile fae me anyway...oh, and a suspiciously ginger looking ball boy slid flat on his arse trying to catch the ball...that was the sum total of the first half entertainment.

The reason for this insipid huffer-pufferery performance...well, ye ken the script by now: Seve in central defence...blah blah...Tango's Tactical Tombola...blah blah blah...though I'm sure any of you who attempted to predict this weeks TTT would have been thrown by Chris in central midfield and Nicholson on the wing.

The second half was equally dire, though fate in the form of a knock to Nicholson was to play a hand. Considine was brought on...though why was the allegedly fit Touzani nae given a run? In fact, why Touzani was listed at all if he never intended to play him? Our resident conspiracy theory specialist 'Das Jute' reckoned it was cos the Fat Oaf had 'exclusively revealed' that Karim would be fit in his Retard column, and not listing him would make him look an complete idiot...well more than usual anyway.

Anyway the introduction of Considine meant a shift to a 352 and Seve moving into midfield...and what do ye know, we started to look more dangerous...jeez who woulda thought it, eh? Once again ye ken the script...this time I shall deliver it in the style of a classic Barry Took era 'Points of View' letter:

'Dear Cuprinol Coated Fat Twat,

Why oh why oh why did we not play like that from the start?

Yours, a pissed off and bored senseless Dandy'

It would be the next substitution however that would change the game and ensure justice of sorts was done. As I pointed out last week, those that booed Mackie onto the pitch are pretty much moronic f*ckwits who wouldnae be out of place at Ibrox or Parkhead.

There were still some on the go on Saturday but I'm happy to say the majority cheered him on. Those who still booed him were about to get served up some poetic justice.

We got a free kick about 20 yards out. Now, last week 'Das Jute' had just finished a spleen busting rant when we scored...this week it was Dempsey taking a free kick...'No! F*ckin no!...Let someone who kens what their doin take it ye fec..'

Well I'm sure you've guessed what happened next...Dempsey floats one in, Miller knocks it on and after what Arthur Montford used to describe as a 'stramash', Mackie bangs it home (well, scrambled desperately over the line according to ma source atop Chairman Dick's Erection). Needless to say 'Das Jute' has vowed to start ranting fae the first minute next week!

The goal was treated as a blessed relief. There was never any real danger of them pulling one back and as such the Reds began to respond to the chants fae the Chunky Junkies support who showed infinitely more creativity than their side...though I have to express disappointment that 'Sit Down, Shut Up!' wasnae changed to 'Sit Down, Shoot up'....the 'Are you Rangers in disguise?' and 'In yer Glasgow slums' chants worked a treat, what wi the Buddies being fiercely prickly about not being fae Glasgow.

Oh Christ, almost forgot about the second. Er...some haddy (as I said, Broadfoot I think) loses it in midfield, Jamie nicks it off him, pulls the last man to him then slips it to Mackie who burst the onion bag. Cue the 'Y' giving it a very loud (if tongue firmly embedded in cheek) 'There's only one Darren Mackie...' The boy behind us remarked: “See, telt ye he's the Scottish Michael Owen...shite and crocked...well hopefully crocked...if we're lucky.”

I don't want Calderwood to think he'll do that every week (he won't) or that his brace means he should get a new deal (he shouldn't) but I've got to admit to feelin a bitty chuffed for the loon at shutting up the morons who booed him on last wik.

Right ye ken this next bit off by heart as well...good result, sh*te performance, blah de blah.

It's a bit off for the Cuprinol Coated one to turn on his own fans for not showing up if Saturday is anything to go by....and Saturday was a typical performance under Calderwood. That was his 102nd game in charge and I defy you to list half a dozen of them where you've been excited and entertained.

Yes, we're in a tie for second place but as I've said many times you're dealing with a support who've had mair false dawns than the Zulus and who are unique in the fact they've watched their team be crowned the best in Europe and lived through the ignominy of being officially ranked the worst.

So as our Septic cousins would say, we kens oor sh*te fae oor Shinola...turgid performances like Saturday's ain't likely to have them flooding back, and there also remains the suspicion this is yet another false dawn.

It's second but not second as we knew it in the past...we are 15 points behind the Junglies after 15 games for god's sake, and it owes as much to the Yams implosion and Jean Marie Le Penguins 'Revolution' being flatter than a can of 12 day old Kestral lager than us currently being Scotland's second best side.

So forgive me Jimmy if I reserve judgement on your 'most attack minded side in the league' until we get a better idea where we're really at next month.

Though on the 'attack minded' thing...I noticed yesterday in Scotland on Sunday that only Well, Smurn and the woeful Pars have created fewer goal attempt than us...sure Uncle Ebbe taught us 'Statistics are like mini skirts' etc etc, but coupled wi the performances I've witnessed this season...yer spikin shite. There is currently a bit of a 'blow' drought in Aberdonia...if it wisnae libellous I would say it's cos oor Manager has feckin smoked it aw.

Still, in the meantime I'll find comfort in empty clichés like “it's a sign of a good team when ye win without playing well” and the like, and dream dreams of us conquering the Champions League...to be fair, it's been a long time since I've been able to do that with the use of Class A's.

The Red Avenger