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Time was a Huns game was an excuse for excessive drinking fae the times the pubs opened till they shut, yet on Saturday I was quite content wi a back o' 11 start and a couple o quiet bottles.
Time was I felt the compelling urge to smack anything I even suspected of being a Hun, yet a couple of busloads of the chunts passed us on Holburn Street and I was more concerned wi getting to the bookies tae put on my lines.
Time was when, like Robert Duvall in 'Apocalypse Now', you could smell the Napalm between the two sets of fans...on Saturday, bar the hubbub after the goals, both sets of fans were catatonic.
Oh, and there was a time when these games actually had (in between the breaks in the aggro)...well, you know...some fitba in them.
Yup I realise that a sign that ye're getting old is whinging about everything being sooo much better in the old days and longing for a way of life that has gone never to return, but if the games 20 years ago where a foamin pint of real ale (wi nowt taken out, making ye fart like a bastard and develop a peculiar interest in the music o Jethro Tull) then Saturday's effort was the equivalent of a flat can of Top Deck shandy that's been left open overnight. Nae offence bit this truly was f*ckin piss poor fare for both sets of fans.
On Saturday we had two sides seemingly terrified to attack, they were punting long balls for Boyd to chase, while we were punting long balls on to the head of thon boy they signed fae Charlton, both of which were exercises in complete futility. If the mediocrity we saw on Saturday was between two sides who'll both end up in the top three, then SPL is even more pointless than ever.
Whilst they undoubtedly had the better of the first half, God knows how the Beeb decided it was a 'one sided encounter', unless of course having shots miles off target or trundling to the keeper counts as domination these days.
As for the 'action'...put it this way, the main topic of conversation was the absence of the bastardin scurries (that's seagulls for you nonces fah live sooth o Stoney). The best explanation was that the Cops had Section 60 doon the beach or alternatively the Buns' lack of personal hygiene is the most effective scurry deterrent known tae man.
Discussion about the absence of the winged terror aside, I was so bored after 20 minutes that I went for a slash and was holdin ma whab when I heard a celebratory gutteral roar fae the Weegies...which considerin that six foot plus walking talking penis that is Davie Weir scored, was symbolic in French arthoose movie sort o a wye I guess.
Weir seems to have been granted the 'Armband of Invisibility' usually worn by Barry Nesbitt, in that no matter how many fouls he commits the ref will never see any of them (like taking out Lee Miller in the box in the first half) and if he throws himself to the ground naturally it's a freekick. It got to the point in the second half where Mackie or Miller were penalised for merely walking in front of him, leading many to suspect the fouls were for 'blocking his f*ckin zimmer'. The guy was breathing oot his arse after five minutes and yet he still f*ckin gets picked for Scotland - which depresses me almost as much as the fact we never even tried to exploit his geriatric legs by playing balls on the deck for Mackie to chase.
As for us, well put it this way if it was any other side relying on crossing from the halfway line we'd sniffily dismiss it as 'Hoof Ball'. No doubt the high ball into the box will get you results in the SPL but if that's ALL we have to offer this is going to be a very long and very tedious season.
And what do you know we only put in one ball that wasn't humped long from the halfway line...and...we scored. Funny that eh?
Everyone I spoke to said pretty much exactly the same thing post match: 'If we're gonna play two holding midfielders in the middle we need a couple of wingers bombing down the flanks'. I don't doubt that Young/Duff can do us a job in the SPL, but a genuine left sided winger is surely a must in the seven days remaining in the current window.
Failing that we need to put someone beside Kerr/McDonald (incidently am I the only one who has difficulty telling them apart?) because on the rare occasions that Miller won a pointless hoofed ball in the air there was no one from the midfield within 20 yards and any advantage was immediately lost.
On the plus side though Mulgrew does look like the mutt's dangly bits, won almost every tackle and when he finally misplaced a pass in the second half there was an audible gasp...though naturally he immediately won it back. And isn't it great to have someone on our side who can actually take free kicks that dinna fly six yards over or straight into the wall?
As for them...well Mendes does look like he can play a bit but other than that woeful mediocrity. It says a lot for the senile treacherous auld git that his masterplan was to hoof long ball for Kris Boyd to chase. Boyd like Lee Miller is a penalty box finisher - he can't turn and run 35 yards wi the ball. Perhaps best illustrated when he took advantage of the airspace created by the missing seagulls to hoof one at the corner flag via the Moon fae 40yards out in the second half.
Much controversy at the death wi the Buns having an offside goal ruled out, but that should not distract us from the dubious performance by the officials. We were joking that we could get as many free kick as we liked but none in the 'Free Foul Area' which began about 10 yards outside their box and once again the lack of consistency was demonstrated when Mackie gets booked for tangling wi Weir's zimmer while Thomson goes straight through Severin studs high...and gets a gentle warning.
I've never thought our refs were bent in the Italian sense, just that their a collective of blatant incompetants and bottle merchants...got to admit to a large dose of schadenfreude that it was the Buns suffering at the hands of their negligence this time, but as the braindead f*ckwits that pass for pundits in this country, like Craig Paterson, keep tellin us: 'these things balance themselves out over a season'…
Aye right, and for all the Buns bielin on Saturday...we all know they'll benefit from a hundred worse over the course of the season.
Still a win, a draw and a loss in our opening three games was pretty much what the more pragmatic amongst us expected (if admittedly not quite in that order), wins againt the woeful Smurn and Hamilton and we'll be tucked in quite nicely in the pack going into the games with the teams we expect to be competing with for the UEFA slot come May...could be worse like!
But please Jimmy another winger...quickly.
Oh and if you f*ck up on Wednesday at Ayr...dinna even bother coming home.
Yours the crabbit bore formerly kent as The Red Avenger