The View Fae The Red Side vs Ra Tic (0-1)

Okay, Jarvis Cocker probably wasnae talking about Tims when he wrote those lyrics but he pretty much got them spot on.

Seeing visiting fans in Aberdeen is as rare as sightings of the legendary 14-year-old Dundonian virgin but if there is an uglier, worse dressed, mono eyebrowed, bad teethed group of ginger fannybaws on this planet...then my name is Iain Durrant.

Though on the subject of gingerness, I was doubled over on Loch Street when a mate tried to excuse his latest sexual shenanigans by claimin his new paramour wasnae ginger - apparently “she's auburn” - needless to say he took dog's for that one and was advised no matter how he spun it...that minge was a ginge.

Now I'll save ye the jumper for goalposts bollocks aboot 12.30 kickoffs, except to point out if their intention was to reduce the amount of bevvy consumed by yer average fitba punter it has failed spectacularly.

Now admittedly we were helpin Cuervo celebrate/commiserate on his 280th dog birthday, but come 3 o'clock wi nothing to do we then proceeded to get regally f*ckin rat arsed watching Soccer Saturday on Sky and judging by the shapes I saw stottering oot of waterholes in the early evening around Aberdonia we werenae the only ones.

Anyway how do ye do a match report when nothing happens in the game worth reporting?

For me Saturday encapsulated everythin that is wrong with Aberdeen FC under the Cuprinol Coated buffoon.

Now on the surface everything appears to be fine especially compared to how things were immediately prior to his arrival, but scratch the surface and it's a different story. Anyone claiming results havenae improved under Calderwood would rightly be dismissed as a havering hick, but the results aren't the issue. It's the performances, stupid!

The fact is watching Aberdeen FC at the moment is as satisfying as a Saturday night wank....I mean, aye, it does the job but who remembers a great wank?

(Well apart fae Hearts fans of course..."Braga....Basle...Second Pla-yasce...whoah! Jesus! Pass the Andrex Cent"...aye a very strange fish the Yam.)

Anyway afore I slipped in the obligatory and gratuitous Yams/tadger gag where were we...

Oh aye...now ‘tis true a few years back a 1-0 defeat to the Junglies would have been seen as the biggest miracle since Lazarus got up and went for a walk, wi the Cooncil debating whether to declare a local holiday...but fer f*ck's sake....

WE PLAYED 3-6-1! AT F*CKING HOME!

Ok, fair enough, IF (and it's a big IF given that in 16 years he's never even managed in an Inter-Tattie Cup tie) we had a tricky away tie in Europe then yeah we'd probably be going: “He got the tactics spot on”, but at home? To a poor Celtic side? Get the f*ck out of here!

Oh I grant ye, going forward Celtic are probably as good as it gets in Scotland and going 2-4-4 would not have been advisable but at the back they have a group of headless chickens as epitomised by Gary Caldwell.

If you were wanting chalk and cheese then comparing him to Russ on Saturday was the definitive example.

At one point I cannae mind who but a Tim had wriggled past a couple of defenders and reached the edge of the box, up stepped Russ with the perfect blend of nonchalance and arrogance to pick the ball off his toes.

Caldwell by contrast floundered like....well something that flounders...I dunno perhaps even a flounder...on the rare occasions we arsed oorsels to get out of our own half he...well, like...floundered.

If you were to ask a neutral observer which player inexplicably gets left out the national side and which one gets inexplicably selected I doubt they would have had any of the difficulties Wattie Smiff - Fitba Manager appears to have.

Mind you to be fair, immediately after the sublime bit of skill detailed above, Russ did spray his pass to the wing straight into Section T, but if he can improve his medium- to long-range distribution then we may well finally have a player worth of being compared to our current Director of Football.

Saturday was just the latest in a series of tactical balls-ups by our manager: one up front against Caley/Smurn, 7 positional changes (I'll repeated that in the style of the auld Grandstand vide-printer just in case) 7 (SEVEN) positional changes against a side of amateurs.

There is an ever-expanding body of evidence that our beloved manager just hasnae got a clue tactically and that if he were to stumble on a winning formula it would be more through accident than design.

Take Lee Miller on Saturday. It was hard to make a judgement on whether we've got the Hearts Lee Miller or the United one as he was so isolated he rarely saw the ball and on the few occasions he did get the ball he had no options as his team mates were stuck in their set positions 20-25 yards further downfield.

So barring Lee showing a hitherto unnoticed pre-Pizza Hut Ronaldo-esque ability to slalom through the Tims defence, his task on Saturday was both thankless and pointless.

That we weren't punished earlier and more heavily says a lot about Celtic.

I was actually quite looking forward to watching Gravesen play but he was very average which is more than the rest of his team mates managed....now there's no doubt Gravesen will get a few red cards but no where near the number he should get and certainly no where near the number he would get playing for a non OF side.

His forearm smash into Chris Clark would probably have seen him walk for any other side...but then again the referee was Red Army favourite Michael Mockery.

To be honest I didnae even realise it was Mockery as ref until near the end which I suppose in a way is a back-handed compliment to the fannybawed airse. However his theatrical sprint/mince and flourishing of a yellow at Daal in injury time did little to dissuade me of the opinion he's a bit of a preening cock.

Elsewhere for the Jims, well Kenny Miller when he came on for his 15 minute cameo caused us a few problems but other than that and one other shot I cannae recall Bonnie Langfield have to make a single notable save in the whole match.

As for the goal itself...as nondescript as the game it won...a trundling effort by Vinegar of Hasslebank or whatever he's ca'ed nicks off Mickey's Boot and trundles very slowly past a grounded Langfield.

After that in the words of Tango we 'sounded the bugles' – and one has to ask why the f*ck 'the bugle' wasnae sounded earlier like oh I dunno 78 minutes earlier – as from that point on Celtic were on the ropes.

Admittedly we didnae create many clear cut chances but by all accounts Daal/Anderson had an effort scooped off the line by a handy Tim hand...but to be honest us taking anything from this game would have been a gross injustice.

Though the Tims were taking the piss with their 'Who the Fuck are Man United?" chants...trust me they play like that Wednesday night they'll discover to the tune of 5 or 6 goals.

Anyway Saturday was a day I wanted to quickly forget...alas I learned yesterday that we have just signed Tango and Sash on longer fixed term deals....quite why or what they've done to deserve extended deals is beyond me especially given the growing level of disillusionment with the Red Army ranks about their ability.

The Red Avenger