The Preview Fae The Red Side

Last year of course, we almost produced a miracle hauling back a 6 point gap with 2 games left to end up being a mere 2 goals short of gaining the right to get absolutely blattered by some Ukrainian mob....coulda been worse likewe coulda faced the humiliation of being papped oot by My Ma.

So can we do it again this time? or more to the point do we really want to? Lets be honest here any UEFA adventures are a double edged sword for us these days with any glory and prestige gained usually drowned in the ignominy of humiliation (Skonto, Vilnius, Barry Town, Bohs...performances to send a shudder down any Reds spine). Do we want back in...?of course we do we have to start rebuilding our Euro pedigree somewhere and our history shows us that 3 years after Liverpool skelped us 5-0, L'Equipe rated us the best team in Europe, but part of me wouldna be too bothered if we missed out again this year...not least cos then I could unconditionally support Gretnaagainst the Gay Gorgie Bottle-Merchants.

Anyway enuff of the usual rambling preamble onto our Reekie-Deekie showdoon wi the Reekie Twins. The 'Reekie-Deekie' nonsense is of course me once again pretending to be mair of an intellektual than I am and is a beanie hat doffed towards Elmore Leonard's book "Freaky-Deaky", the exact plot details of which escape me but like most Leonard's novels it involved psychopaths, gangsters and their double crosses and comical delusions. Given we're playing Hibs and the CCS and Hearts wi Big Mad Bad Vlad Romanov it's entirely appropriate....indeed Mad Bad Vlad's decision to employ an even madder wifie wi a gold pokey stick that cures injuries could have been lifted straight fae an Elmore Leonard book.

Anyway first up Mogga's Boy Band (who in the absence of a better name we shall henceforth christen "Gimpy Haircut 100") and to carry on the theme from the last game review their boy band similarities continue to expand. They now have a striker with girlie hair and the word "Benji" written on his back...if that's not a cynical attempt to grab the 'Pink Pound' ah divna ken fit is. They do have Brown back so they need to be treated wi a bitty mair respect than last time oot but they still have a clown for a keeper and a defence capable of lapsing into pure Keystone style antics.

Thus provided Lovell is fit and ready to go I confidently predict, without need to use the patented but crap Head-Heart-Arse malarkey, a Dons win! Despite all the crap about Hibs having a great record against us we've won 4 of the last 5 and the solitary defeat came from a Zander airshot. So only real moot point is by how many we beat 'em by....as it was last year Hibs goal difference is superior to ours (+9), so to have a credible chance of overhauling them we need to win by at least 2 preferably 3 clear goals.

Of course this year's formula is mair complex and problematic and dependant on other results; I predict the Buns will beat Killie 2-1 and that the Jambos will be held by the Tims on Sunday.

And then onto the Palace of Pink Seats for the midweek game. As we get closer to the end of the season it's become more and more a case of 'twitch, twitch, wobble, wobble, who's gonna burst the Jambos bubble?', the correct answer will of course be "Mad Bad Vlad in the Boardroom with the P45" but we can certainly play our part and help the Jambos do what they normal do wi a bottle in their hands as I can see us taking at least a point in midweek probably in a 1-1 draw.

That may sound daft given our appalling record at the Pink Bus Shelter but bar the opening game of the season we've been more than a match for them. It took a grotesque deflected goal to save a point at Todders and we came from behind to beat them in February...even the Cup thrashing was distorted by weak refereeing by Kenny Clark. Ok it's a bitty (ok a lot) "if yer Auntie hud baws" but if Clark had awarded the stonewaller on Crawford and sent off Webster (as he should have), at 1-1 and against 10 men things could have been very different and it could possibly have been us away to have a stroll in the sun v Gretna. He didn't and life goes on but there is no reason to believe we canna do the biz against them once again.

The Jambos under pressure have historically had as much sphincter control as an incontinent toddler wi diarrhoea and if they fail to beat Celtic (as I suspect they will) it could be '86 revisited.

I think it's an indication of Hearts and their fans current standing with other clubs that, in the first time in ages a 'diddy' team could pip one of the OF and many are ambivalent, viewing the race between themselves and their Bus-fared up Cousins as a bit of a Hobson's Choice. When the rest of the fitba nation sees little to distinguish you from Satan's XI...well you ken you've got problems.

Don't get me wrong Hearts have done well and yes, at times played some great stuff and of course there's no denying I'd rather be where they are right now than where we're at, but they are still the biggest divers in the land and the untamed thuggery of the Levein era may have been given a make over but it's still there.

But I think the thing that grates most is their fans seem to have lost any critical capacity they had...everything Vlad does is right end of story, and anyone who says otherwise...well their just jealous. He can sack unbeaten managers, appoint sex offenders, pick the team and add to their already gigantic debt (chief beneficiary of this being UKIO Bankas...main shareholder one V Romanov) and not a word of protest or even constructive questioning...Vlad is ALWAYS right .End of. as far as the Jambos go.

Given this it will be exceptionally hard for folk not to say "Told you so" when the Jambo cycle begins it's downward turn as it inevitably will....and while I don't want any club...well no that's a lie any club bar Livi (who aren't a club just a fuckin franchise)...anyway as I was sayin I don't want to see any club go bust or go under but when the inevitable happens part of me will think you've got what you deserved you were the ones that turned a blind eye to this deranged muppet.

Which is why we have to beat the Jambos for their own good...perhaps if they see the reason they don't grab the CL spot against a piss poor Huns side was their chairman they might start asking questions again before it's too late!

Anyway that's enuff havering time to go but before I do a beanie hat duly doffed to Lord Justice Smith. Fah? I hear ye ask....well he was the Judge in the recent 'Da Vinci Code' case who in his written judgement inserted his own code aka 'The Smithy Code' by using bold and italic for certain letters. I've blatantly ripped this off and provided my own wee hidden message using the same technique... (provided Ed hasnae obliterated it when he cuts and pastes this).

A cryptic clue to the 'Avenger Code'...?

Oh ok then....'Reach around for a cent boom'

First one to get it right wins an all expenses paid trip to thon 7 star Hotel shaped like a boat in Dubai*

Stand Free and the usual gubbins

The Red Avenger





*Must be claimed by April 27th 2006