The Completely Useless 28.947% Season Review

Those o you wi nae life may have read ma Privet back in July n'at [click here and here, if you must - Ed], and I said I was looking for signs of progress and would be using a sliding scale to assess the Cuprinol-coated one this season:

0-9 Points - 'Ok fah's got Eck's Number?'
10-14 Points - 'Fer f*cks sake ye Fat Tw*t get yer f*ckin finger oot!'
15-19 Points - 'Och well, at least we'll make the Top 6 I suppose'
20-24 Points - 'Oh we're taking our team intae Europe! Yes we are! Oh yes we are!'
25-29 points - 'F*ck me this coke is good!'
30+ points - 'Ok, fah's been puttin acieeeeeeeeeed in the water supply?'

And given the Cuprinol-coated buffoon publicly declared himself that 20 points from the first round of games was his target, 15 points from the opening round of games is a disappointing return. Top 6 is the minimum expectation - as Jimmy himself said before the Killie game, standards quite rightly have been raised at Pittodrie in the last few years - the hard-to-beat but getting results stuff we got in his first year is no longer enough on its own.

So where has it all gone wrong? Okay, 'wrong' might be a bit strong given that if we beat Hibs the night we go up to 4th, a point behind The Buns and 3 behind the new Tims wi their gay scarf twirling and groundless paranoia...Fharce of Mhid Lhithuania...but there is a palpable sense of disillusionment and disappointment in what we've been delivered so far.

It began after what was, according the Buffoon, labelled our 'best ever Pre Season' in Sud Afrika n'at, and yet just like last year by the end of the first month a large proportion of our squad was out crocked. This happening once can be put down to bad luck...for it to happen in consecutive seasons hints at a problem possibly wi the training techniques used?

Anyway the real thing kicked off under a hot July sun at Easter Road and we somehow managed to fluke a point despite being thoroughly out classed. Nae probs we thought, Caley and Smurn next up - surely we cannae balls them up... We did, or, to be more accurate, Tango did. 1-0 up and comfortable in both games, he went one up front and sat back and sat back and inevitably we shipped equalisers.

Nae doubt Tango can quite fairly point to the Bonnie Langfield fumble and official's flag that denied us the maximum points in these games, but for most Reds the opinion is that if our manager hadn't been overly cautious and negative in the first place they would have been irrelevant anyway.

A couple of wins then followed against the dire Well and Pars but sandwiched in between was the humiliation of a Tin Pot Cup Exit to a third division side on penalties...not just a third division side but an amateur third division side to boot....and a night in which our 'manager' made 7 positional changes to counterbalance what they did. Astonishingly the Cuprinoled one claimed he couldnae understand why folk thought he was negative. He also noted the lack of a back lash, perhaps because, contrary to what his bosom buds in the Weegia like to think, whilst haranguing our manger in the ground is perfectly acceptable, having a go at him when he's out shoppin wi his wife isnae the way we do things in Aberdonia.

Having said that the gloom was finally lifted on transfer deadline day as out went Crawford (who ironically had finally began scoring on a regular basis) and Stewart (who was never gonna make it anyway) and in came Lee Miller - for nothing - from United (or as the guys on Fund-a-Don wrote: “we'd like to thank a Mr E Thomson of Dundee who gave so generously”! Okay, so Lee hasnae broken his duck yet but he's shown enough for me to suggest he WILL come good and the prospect of a Lovell/Miller frontline is mouth-watering.

Schadenfruede at having finally put one over the Arabs (which almost but nae quite makes up for the Dodds+cash for Winters deal) was dissipated by the most negative and soul destroying home performance against either of the OF in living memory and yes I am including the poundings at home under Ebbe in that. We showed no ambition whatsoever that day and got what we deserved...hee-haw.

And yet the reward for this for the management team...rip up their rolling contracts and give them a fixed term deal...a move, even if you wanted them to stay, that made no economic sense whatsoever.

After being regally panned for his mega negativity against the Tims he vowed publicly to go for it against Hearts. Alas we got kippered good and proper as the Yams played 'rope-a-dope' and restricted us to long range effort which Gordon dealt with easily and then sucker punched us as we ran out of steam....though they were greatly assisted by his decision to switch to a 2-4-4. Only the second time he's switched to the tactics that made his name as an 'attack minded' manager at the Pars and just like the first time he did vs. the Buns what was a recoverable 1-0 wi time on the clock turned into a blow out as the Yams exploited the space and made it 3-0 within 10 minutes.

The obligatory banker win against Falkirk followed before we rolled into Ibrox where despite playing well and Chris hitting the post in the dying minutes we lost to a last minute winner....further negativity and a loss followed against Killie before an easy walk in the park win against the dire Arabs rounded out the first set of games.

If you were looking for signs of progress so far you'd struggle to find any.

Against last years bottom 6 (plus Smurn) we've taken 14 from 18 (which should have been 18 out of 18) but our record against the sides who finished in the Top 6 with us last year is dreadful...1 point from a possible 15 and if we're being honest we didnae deserve that one either.

There is now growing disillusionment with the man...but it remains silent. I think this can be attributed to a few things.

Firstly experience has taught us that demonstrating on Pittodrie Street achieves little...if anything it merely stiffens the board resolve to back their man...throw in the fact the board have just given them extended deals and it would take a truly catastrophic run of results for the board to even consider getting rid of him, leading many Reds to the conclusion that demonstrating against him will amount to little more than howling at the moon.

Secondly, having been unfairly hammered for years by the Weegia for never giving managers a chance and having 'unrealistic' expectations and seeing the chaos caused by continually chopping and changing managers, not to mention the Cuprinoled Ones almost incestuous relationship wi the Weegia, most Reds want to make sure they have a water tight case for dismissal.

Now as I've made clear I think we've got him bang to rights on being tactically clueless and whenever he opens his gob in the press you want to gag/curl up and die of embarrassment...his 'I watched that Adebayor once' exclusive being particularly vacuous and embarrassing even by his and the Journals low standards.

So I'm prepared to give him a chance with a fully fit squad (or as near as we'll ever get to one as Karim Touzani threatens to be the shortest lived next big thing since 'Menswear' had their 10 days o fame back in 1995)...Lovell, barring any last minute mystery injuries, is pencilled in to return to at least the bench for the Caley game. Whilst every side has injuries I don't want him to be able to say if he goes: “it would have been so different if I'd had a fully fit side.”

The way I see it we need an absolute minimum of 30 points on the board by the bells. Ideally we'll achieve that in the next 5 games (and there's no reason why we can't) so at the absolute minimum we should go to Parkhead on December 2nd with 24 points on the board. If we don't well as I said I see little point demonstrating on Pittodrie Street...I'll just do what a considerable number of Dandies are already doing and become more selective with the games I go to.

I think it was notorious jug eared Crisp Salesman and Alan Partridge clone Gary Lineker who said he preferred watching the Dons on Ceefax...okay, so he meant the imitation southern jessie now Franchise FC ones, no the real ones but the point still stands. Alas many Reds have a similar view on Calderwood's Reds...as evidenced by the fact that for the Killie game I sat and watched the game on Sky's Soccer Saturday wi three other Reds. We simply couldnae be arsed. Four reds wi over a hundred years experience following far far worse Reds side the length and breadth o the land...yet were so pissed off wi what they'd witnessed so far they couldnae be arsed to travel to what ultimately may prove to be a crucial game for our UEFA qualification hopes.

And that's the major complaint about Calderwood...no entertainment value.

In the aftermath of the Celtic fiasco we sat in the pub and the overriding belief was that we'd been sold a pup as we recalled the game under Ebbe against his Pars side when we shot to a 3-0 lead and he changed it and to be honest we were hangin on like grim death to hold on for a 3-2 win. Two years and a bit in and I have no idea what a Calderwood Aberdeen team looks like...Christ, even under Ebbe and Pele you could at least see how they wanted us to play.

I can't help but think if he settled on a formation and allowed his players to simply play we would be a great side to watch. I don't think anyone can blame the lack of effort on the players for our under achievement so far this year. It's just that far too often they've been played in positions and given roles they either are unsuited for and/or don't understand.

So all in all a B- from me on the first term....the only thing stopping it becoming a C or a D is the fact that once again (Celtic aside) the SPL is highly competitive. Jean Marie Le Penguins revolution at Ipox is quickly turning to farce, the Bridesmaids as expected beginning to implode, Hibs are as always erratic and have lost Mowbray and yet once again we're playing catch up...I tell ya if I had hair I'd be tearing it out.

So Jimmy: give us a settled balanced side. Give us some entertainment. Cos based on the first term you need to do a lot better.

The Red Avenger