The Cabbage Ribs Have Had Their Chips (And Sauce)

There are also umpteen reasons why we have to win (or at least see the results go our way) from the dull but crucial extra revenue...dinna worry I winna patronise ye by pointin out how we'll make shitloads mair cash playin the Tims/Purple Nuns than the soon to be departed Franchise FC and the likes, I'll leave that to the Depress to reveal in one of their stating the bleedingly obvious but calling it an 'exclusive'...but the main ones for me are the intangibles of pride, self esteem etc.

Having surprised everybody including ourselves by draggin oor sorry airses from relegation battlers to UEFA contenders last year it would be humiliating to see us slide back doon the league like Superlager doon a jakey's beard and back into the dross populated by the Pikeys and friends for the fag end o the season.

As I've repeated ad nausem all season, I had low expectations this year...consolidating last years gains in the Top 6 and I would be happy but even I expected us to have Top 6 tucked away well before the last minute...whether we blame that on injuries, bad luck or our manager being a Tactical Genius/Penis...well we'll leave that for the knee-jerk scapegoating post-mortem if we fail to make the cut.

Saturday though is a day for the old postivity hingme...as Auld Horatio Nelson once never said: "Aiberdonia expects every Sheep Shaggin Bastard to do his duty...min". Yep time for the traditional pointless fan site appeal for a crackin intimidating atmosphere, being the 12th man n'aw that shite...they're always well intentioned but always ultimately pointless.

For whilst there's little argument we have one of the UK's largest and loudest travelling supports, it's just that we've never really got oor heads round making Pittodrie an intimidating arena for visitors (ok, maybe in the 80s, but that was mair swedging than singin)...dah get me wrong, we are capable of doing it...till the day I die I'll maintain that in May '95 the Red Army made United collectively (both fans and players) shit themselves in the relegation decider and we had a walk in the park as a result.

But there is in my humble baldy c*nt opinion a touch of complacency about us Reds being a 'great' support...baws. A 'great' support intimidates the opponents and officials at their own gaff...which is one of the reasons the OF, Man U, Liverpool and(whisper it) even Hearts in recent years get so many penalties at home and so few given against them (as well as employing diving cheating bastards and weak refs of course). Cheating and unsporting it may be but f*ck being sporting - we've got oorsels a game to win. Which is why I'll be screaming masel hoarse...possibly even cow (boom boom!) at every decision given against us on Saturday...trust me, if Hibs even win the toss I'll be informing the Masonic git in the black that his mama's a ho and his old man's an Onanist...(the original w*nker in case you were wonderin)...yer mair than welcome to join me in this if ye want but I winna be too surprised if ye dinna.

And so to the game itsel...contrary to rumour (shame on you Richard Gordon) we don't always lose these games 0-1 in fact I seem to recall the corresponding fixture last season ending 3-0 to the mighty Reds on a crackin day which also included some Hibees goin on a magical mystery tour of the delights o Tillydrone...no doubt once again the Aberdeen Football Intelligence Unit (an oxymoron staffed by morons if ever there was one) will be oot and about wi the Flyin Marias the morn prattin aboot wi their latest new gadgets.

Every since New Year we've managed to rediscover the awkward bastard element that made us relatively successful last time round...they say you dinna miss something till it's gone - well we've sure as hell missed Heiks in the centre...Griffin/MacFarlane at least offer us an adequate replacement now...Lovell finally seems to have come good and, touch wood, will next year give us 15-20 goals...one or two more on Saturday wouldnae go amiss...in Snoyl and Smith we have two of the quickest and maist talented wingmen in Scotland, so a comfortable win on Saturday isnae as far fetched as the myopic pundits who can't comprehend anything north of the Forth as being any good would have you believe.

As for our opponents...well I actually like Hibs, always have for some bizarre reason and want them to do well (admittedly some of this is to speed the day Mowbray returns to the Riverside to replace Mogadon MacLaren...Holgate End ASC) and if we fail to make the Top 6 I'd like them to make the UEFA spot.

But just now this is not the Hibs side that's won many admirers over the last few years, their best striker's been sent to Moscow, they're injury raddled and in the Semi-Final last Sunday they were...oh what's that word? Oh aye...shite...shite verging on skitters to be exact...I doubt even Brian Clough (if he wisnae broon breed) wouldnae hesitate in calling their Polish keeper a clown.

Having said all that however any side that can field O'Riordan and Sproule still has in boxing parlance a puncher's chance but in the head to head everywhere else we just about shade it. As for their main threats, well Russ and Superkev will probably be delegated to look after them with Zander in the 'Bryne' role and put where he can cause least damage.

Time then for the completely useless Head-Heart-Arse predictor thingy...

Head - 2-1 or 2-0 the mighty Reds
Heart - 4-0 or 3-1 Reds
Arse - 1-1....

Yip, the bowels of fate are rumbling towards a draw and I actually think that will be enough...it might all but kill off the slim UEFA hopes but I think the Blue Nuns will batter Well and a spooky premonition that Livi will take something fae Inverness Cannaebeatus Thistle...just call me Nostra-Don-us...what's that? Oh alright Baldy Twat it is then.

Now one last item of business afore I go...yip, Saturday is the first day Pittodrie is No Smoking. Yer lucky cos I was gonna gie ye a 10,000 word sub-Daily Mail knee-jerk reactionary git rant (though quite how I was gonna blame it all on the EU, pikeys and lesbians not even I'm sure)...

So you lucky bastards have missed out on a rant about McFuddle and his parish council (just like Blair said it would be) and am I alone in half expecting oor Farce Minister (you see what I did there...comedy genius I tells ya!) to begin every pronouncement wi the words "Here in STONEY-BRIDGE"...or how if the bastards really wanted to tackle passive smoking they could eradicate it the morra by banning the sale of tobacco...but of course the following day the NHS would collapse as it wouldnae have smokers lobbing £5 plus change into the pot everyday...but 'THEY' don't want ya to know that...how 'they' are systematically destroyin British Working Class culture...first fitba, then tabs....any of you smug non-smokers should note their coming after binge drinkin next...etc etc rant rant wibble wibble...

I will therefore restrict masel to the following mini-rant....[what would you call the above then? - smug non-smoking Ed ;-)]

I have no real problems wi a smoking ban at Todders...in certain areas...

The Merkie...Duh it's full o kids and contrary to recent Govt propaganda, smokers are not hell-bent on filling non-smokers' lungs wi carcinogens and shite...

The Main Stand...well it's burned doon once, best no take the risk eh?

In fact to be honest nae objection to not smoking in the seats full stop. What I am pissed off about is the area at the back of the 'Y' being classified as an enclosed space....the back of the Curva Sud is almost literally a wind tunnel...to be honest you could let off a canister o Zyclon B on the 'Y' and no one would be affected...okay, you'd maybe get mass deaths in Cove, but any part o God's Ain Toon who names their fitba team "Rangers" deserves everything they get.

LEGAL TIME OUT - Following an innocent post on the MB last year suggesting 'doing a Baggies' if we made it into Europe was transformed into us 'organising a pitch invasion' in the Depress, I think it should be pointed out Aberdeen-Mad does not endorse or condone the releasing of Zyclon B on the 'Y' with the intent of causing genocide in Cove.

Anyway where were we...oh aye, the smoking ban. How will I react? Well probably like all the other smokers...by chain smokin ootside the 'Y' until 2.59pm...I did think of making a silent protest by standing wi an unlit Benny H in ma gob but this is predicated on 2 factors: 1. I remember, and 2. I can be arsed - and no doubt standing with an unlit tab in ma gob would only encourage PC Killjoy to huckle us for 'simulating smoking in an enclosed space' or some other spurious made up charge the numbnuts who police the 'Y' specialise in.

Anyway we're Dandies...back to the game and mind in the made up words of the not late great John McRuvie...."MAKE SOME F*CKIN NOISE!"

Stand Free, Forza Dandies, Come on ye Reds and aw the usual guff.