THE BIG KICK-OFF: Season Privet Fence - Part 1

Alas, these days the Mondial means our game is hijacked by folk who care little about the game and know even less. [Do you mean FIFA? - Ed]

So no more mistaking the banter of the oldest international fitba rivalry in the world as a signal Britain is about to descend into a Balkan style bloodbath.

No more politicians like McConnell pretending to be Tartan Army when in reality they're about as Tartan Army as Alan Ball (and Alan Ball has of course actually been to Hampden).

...and no more mock outrage at someone saying 'Yer Mamma's a ho' to an opponent.

Yep, now the World Cuppy is over, the politicians and political commentators will move on to such weighty affairs as what Big Brother means about the state o 21st Century Britain (why waste 1000+ words when 'Jack' and 'Shit' would do just as well?) and at least for the next 9 and a bit months we'll be free to give and receive ludicrous, libellous, petty and ill-informed 'oor city/team is better than your city/team' nonsense in the light-hearted wind up/piss-take manner in which they were intended...personally I cannae fookin wait!

'Life is a box of chocolates' according to DonStalk regular Forrest Gump, utter mawkish pish o course but a fitba club is, I suppose, in a way, a bit like a layer cake wi the board, the management and the players making up the different layers and us the fans bein the fat bastards who scoff the lot.

Ok, this is a pretty pish analogy but let's take a look at what we can expect from the three layer confection that is Aberdeen FC 2006/07.

The board...the, er, sponge base...nah sod it, this cake malarkey isnae goin tae work.

Anyways.... the board. In many ways the main issue has been dealt with by the off season statement regarding Pittodrie and the restructuring. As long as the board does what it can to bring the fitba division o the new company in at a profit or break even then there is little for anyone bar the anoraks and Terrace Accountants to get excited about.

No doubt though when we hit our sticky patch (as we almost inevitably will) the Terrace Accountants will undoubtedly demand we be 'more like Hearts'.

These experts on fitba finance were also the ones demandin we be 'more like Dundee' a few years back and seem ignorant to the fact that it was being like Hearts/Dundee in the mid-late 90's that got us in this mess in the first bloody place and the much maligned Milne DID splash the cash like Vlad when he took charge...it brought us Toni K, Kiriakov and Bernard.

Thankfully these cranks are now in the minority as most Reds are pragmatic enough to accept that the 'evolution not revolution' strategy is, whilst not ideal or flawless, the best one to get us out of this mess.

And so onto the next layer of the cake...oh hang on, I binned this analogy a couple o paragraphs back.

Anyways, the playing squad. I've said for the last couple of years that we're a solid if unspectacular side and that when we field our first choice XI we are more than capable of beating any side in the SPL.

Our main problem is however the same that has bedevilled us for the last few years...a lack of depth.

As a result we can expect the usual obligatory 'hot streak-cold streak' kinda year. Putting on ma Nostra-Don-us beanie hat for a mo...if I had to predict when the worst 'cold streak' will appear, I'd go for over the Xmas-New Year period as it has been for the last couple o seasons.

Anyway, the only problem I see wi the squad is in a Tim Westwood Straight Outta Croyden Wigga Stylee...LEFT-SIDE, yo MTV Homebase, to the M, to the D, to the F, shamoane mutha f*cka or summat (sorry, got a bit carried awa there).

Anyway oor left side currently consists of...er Richie Bryne. Aye, ye can hear the rest o the SPL crappin themsels can ye no? Admittedly not as much as we are wi only 'Socrates' oot there. Having a 'balanced' side is desirable but not essential for a successful side, especially if like us your strength is in the middle o the park and if the dispatches fae Africa regarding Touzani are to be believed.

But we did look a helluva lot better last season when we had Snoyl and Smith bombin doon both flanks and given our weakness it doesnae take a genius to figure out most of our opponents will realise the best way to beat us is by running at Bryne.

Now I completely accept the current economic climate in fitba means that lower level English sides can offer 3 times our salaries but this is the third season running when we've lined up at the start wi glaring gaps in our squad after being promised in May we'd have the players in place for the new season.

Is it heresy to suggest that the former Greatest Penalty Box Defender In The World should accept some responsibility for this?

I think it's fair to say that if our Director of Fitba's name was anything other than Willie Miller we'd be calling for his head. Especially if you compare the abuse Fat Keef got for failing to deliver players to the muted response today.

However, there is still a month until the window closes again and I hope the Divine Tache proves me wrong but lessons should have been learned from last year's failure to provide a replacement for the Wife Beating Bastard until after Xmas. Making mistakes is acceptable provided of course you learn the lessons from them; to date it appears we haven't.

Anyway, even wi these flaws the core of our squad gives grounds for optimism.

The continuing evolution of Russ into the Finest Centre Half In The Land, the mouth-watering prospect of a Seve-Touzani midfield and hopefully a 20 goal season fae a fully fit Lovell means barring a genuine international class keeper we have the spine of a side capable of challenging for silverware in the future...ye know, add an international class keeper to that and I dinna think we'll be that far awa ye ken....alas barring one o us winning the Euro-Millions Jackpot nothing more than a crack pipe dream.

Thon famous Red, Mao Tse-Tung said something about a 1000 mile march beginning wi a first step. I think we took that first step under Ebbe at the turn o the millennium. I've no idea how far we are on our march to back to glory but comparing the current squad (flaws n'all) to the shambles at the turn o the millennium I suspect we're nearer the end than the beginning.

And now onto our manager...

Have you ever worked wi someone who, while you admit their good at their job, on a personal level you find them to be a complete w*nk? I think that sums up entirely my opinions on James Calderwood Esq. (Fitba Manager).

I don't deny for a second (and am actually quite grateful for) the outstanding job he's done turning round the Dons after the disastrous Pele experiment, it's just whenever he opens his gob... (see Rant In AFC (Minor)).

I've also got some doubt as to how much further the guy can take the club as I suspect he's just about reached the limits of his managerial ability, something borne out by the fact that in 16 years as a manager he has yet to take charge of a single UEFA game (nae even the Inter Tattie Cup) but that's a rant for another day.

Anyway leavin aside his gob and remarks about us being 'unrealistic' and my doubts about his future, when Tango and Sash were first appointed I kinda drew up a rough 3 year plan and it was a little something like this:

Year 1 - Stabilise the Club
Year 2 - Consolidation season
Year 3 - Progress.

Not, I would suggest, too 'unrealistic' eh? Of course this bein the mighty AFC we got the first 2 years arse over tit but we're roughly were I expected us to be. So what do I expect Calderwood to deliver this season and what would I consider progress?

Well like most Reds I would consider the idea of us (bar an Eck-style collapse) getting within 20 points of the OF as nothing short of a miracle and completely 'unrealistic'. What I do consider realistic is a Top 6 spot as the absolute minimum and in terms of realistic progress, a UEFA spot.

Regarding the cups, well it'll be 7 years since we last made it even to a bloody semi, so provided we dinna get sent to a bogey ground like Ibrox or Tynecastle (and I'd still be quite confident then) then getting to at least one semi final as a minimum is hardly akin to being in La-La Land.

As for the season ahead, well I'm resigned to the usual frustrations of a 21st Century Dons season: the hot and cold streaks, the defensive howlers, the embarrassing home defeat to a relegation struggler, the tactical cock-ups, the obligatory dodgy penalty against us at Tynecastle, etc.

Obviously I'll only know if these expectations are met in May, so how will I be judging the Reds in the meantime?

Well, compared to facing both the OF/Reekie Twins within the first 5 games as we've become used to, we have a relatively easy start. Ok we're historically slow starters and 4 of the first 5 are away but these include visits to the pathetic Pars and St Mirren. I don't think having 10 points on the board to the time the toxic Tims come tae toon, is again too 'unrealistic'.

After that I'll be judging them on each round of 11 games using the following sliding scale:

0-9 points: 'ok fah's got Eck's number?’
10-14 points: 'Fer f*ck's sake ye fat twat, get yer f*ckin finger out!'
15-19 points: 'Och well, at least we'll make the Top 6 I suppose'
20-24 points: 'Oh we're taking oor team intae Europe! Yes we are! Whoahh yes we are' etc.
25-29 points: 'F*ck me this coke's good!'
30+ points: 'Ok, fah's been puttin acieeeeeeeed in the water supply?'

So there ye go. Now contrary to what some may believe there's nae editorial policy or governing cliché bar Stan D. Fred's correctin ma appauling spielling and punktuation and the usual 'opinions are like arseholes and RA's a big f*cking arsehole' right to reply exists on the Stand Free messageboard.

Just like to say ye can add 'bald', 'lazy arsed', 'dope fiend' and 'twat' wi out fear of a defamation suit, though I would like to point out I've never played Scrabble and the only swingin I've ever done is wi ma 3 year old nephew doon Mineralwell park...he's went on the roundabout too.

So feel free to gie's yer predictions on the messageboard...oh ye already have. Ok to gi it a slightly alternative twist why don't you give us yer prediction for the following made up awards?

The Darren Mackie Official Scapegoat Award - The player to blame for everything even if we win and he comes on as an 89th minute sub.

And:

The Mickey Hart 'F*ck me! He can actually play a bit' Award - Self-explanatory, gie's the name o the player that ye reckon will make ye eat yer words.

Slater.

The Red Avenger