The 73.7% Season Rivet

Now fae what I recall we left off on the last een wi the dismissal o the worst Pikeys side ever seen at Pittodrie, so there's as good a place or haddock as any to pick it up again...which in ma defence does provide a kinda symmetry to them as that een was done wi 11 games gone and this een's done wi...er...11 games left, so a sorta symmetrical thingame there.

Anyways, we faced 'the most exciting team since Brazil 1970' FC in a Monday night game, wi a crowd which, even wi oor poor attendances this year, is still the highest for Setanta's disastrous Monday Night Fitba experiment.

We were down to an early goal fae the statutory Zander howler but a first goal for Miller and a last minute Seve brammer sent 'Flair FC' homewards to think again...pointless as always.

Next was another Monday nighter that marked Tango and Sash's 100th game. It was (as with the majority of the previous 99) a feckin awful and turgid game only 'saved' by a last minute Lovell equaliser.

We were appalling and they aspired to be horrific, so quite how Charlie Christie could claim it was a 'fantastic performance' is baffling though perhaps it explains why the Sneckie fans are comatose for most games.

We then closed oot November with three routine wins against Smurn, Murrawell and the Paralytics, which were only notable for Bonnie shipping the softest OG seen at Todders since Regi Blinker became a Red Army Cult Hero, Darren Mackie suddenly reinventing himself as a goal machine wi seven goals in seven days (admittedly three o them coming against Caley's stiffs), oh, and Stewart McKimmie proving the old observation about the monkeys, typewriters and the inevitable production of the complete works of Shakespeare.

Admittedly his observation that 'Smurn are shite' and 'Kirk Broadfoot is a bit (well a lot) crap' was straight fae the 'Sherlock: No Shit' file, so the Kincorth based piss artist still awaits his first Pulitzer.

December started wi a trip to the Brendanbau, and masel, Cuervo and RedLineRed going on a wild goose chase to find a boozer in Aberdonia with this mythical Polish channel showin the game live...we ended up back where we started in the Howff, listening to live radio coverage...a frustrating experience let me tell you, as in the dying seconds as Russ rose to head what we hoped would be the equaliser we heard '...and ANDERSON...' only for the commentary to be drowned out by some drunken cackling fae the hags sitting at the table next to us.

The ugly bints dinna realise how close they came to having their Scampi rammed somewhere even a fully trained proctologist would have struggled to find it.

There then followed our obligatory relieving Falkirk of three points...admittedly wi the Bairns in the 2nd half producing the best team performance seen at Todders this season, with Gow in particular standing out. We then travelled to see the Lithuanian State Circus in its full deranged pantomime glory and wonderfully did unto them as they've done to us far too often in recent years and mugged them of three points wi a late Lovell goal.

Next up was the game a'bidy had been looking forward to as Jean Marie Le Penguin brought his misfits to toon. Unfortunately it just wisnae to be oor day, Novo scored wi a fluke and just as we were coming to terms wi conceding our first first-half goal since July, Sionko grabbed a second.

We rattled the woodwork twice and Lovell gave us late hope but you could tell by the muted Reds reaction to the goal we knew it was only ever gonna be a consolation. The Buns histrionics, dramatic tumbles and general all round timewasting illustrated just how poor they really are this year. Some mild comic relief was to be had in watching Sebo though...pretending to be a centre forward and a bit o personal glory as masel and a sidekick's chants of 'Sponge Bob Square Pants' were adopted by the Y in the last 5 minutes or so.

Killie came a-calling on Boxing Day and 3000 or so Reds were AWOL as we put them to the sword in emphatic fashion, though for our manager to claim this was the norm as opposed to the exception is a bit rich.

Young Chris 'Phil' Maguire played a blinder, it's too earlier to make ridiculous or 'lay Tims' style predictions or expectations on the lad based on a couple of cameos and sub appearances, but he did enough to suggest we might, just might, as Lineker observed of Rooney, 'have found one'.

The Reds showed up at the Pikey Dome 5000-strong giving Grocer Eddie his largest payday of the year, unfortunately we also gave him his best result of the year.

We werenae helped by a flu epidemic that denied us oor captain and had Mikey barfing en route (a natural reaction to Pikeyville...I mean there is the overpowering aroma of rotten cabbage about the place).

Still we're big enough to nae begrudge them their first victory in living memory...ok, provided your memory is that of a Goldfish wi Alzheimer's, even if the third did come in the last minute against 10 men who'd gone up field in search of a leveller. There was little to suggest the natural order winna be re-established come April 7th though.

It didnae harm us anyway as Jean Marie Le Penguin was signing his own death warrant by dropping Sir Baz o the Chav and the mighty Reds were second at the bells.

Our first foot was a tedious 0-0er wi 'They're so damn good Pele wouldnae get on their bench' FC.

This was the first game in our double header wi 'The only Scottish team wi young Scottish talent as long as ye ignore the Polish Keeper, Dutch/English defence and Kiwi/Irish frontline' FC and the one many Reds would have preferred to have lost. [They winna be saying that if we qualify for Europe by one point come May... - Ed]

What could have been a 15-16000 crowd was slashed in half thanks to the Beeb's ludicrous decision to play the game it had rightly selected as 'Tie of the Round' and switched it to the midweek when there was nothing stopping it being played on the Sunday afternoon...it could have even been played before Saint Henke made his Man U debut.

In the game itself, another Bonnie howler (hey, maybe we should call him 'Clangers' or summat...eh? What's that? Oh apparently his own team-mates already do) gave 'Not as much flair as Falkirk' FC the lead.

Brewski came of the bench and showed why it was a good idea to sign him as cover with a brilliant stooping header, that wi minimal movement put more power on the shot than most players get on a sweetly hit volley, the 'Galacticos' went ahead wi a peach fae Killen before Barry Nic broke off his season long game of hide n' seek to grab a late equaliser.

He followed this up in the replay by rounding off a superb team move to give us the lead in the replay in Irvine Welsh-ville, but that was as good as it got, they quickly levelled and a double whammy on either side of the break meant our eyes rolled to the back of the head and we were gone and our disastrous Cup campaigns this year came to a close.

In between the Cup games we completed our trilogy of 'The worst ever games of fitba EVER! No really min...EVER!'

Brewski was crocked almost immediately and showed why it was a bad idea to sign him. It looked like our unbeaten record against Caley was about to go when Lovell (again) popped up wi a last gasp leveller which whilst welcome did little to save yet another insipid encounter wi Inverness Cannaebeatus Thistle.

There then followed the Murrawell fiasco in which neither side emerged with much credit. Well for trying to extort money fae the clubs and Red Army, which for once actually gave substance to our managers rantings...it was however and unhelpful and undiplomatic rant as we hardly covered ourselves in glory as despite having a month to do so NO ONE fae Pittodrie bothered to phone up and confirm that if a replay was needed the game would be switched to the Sunday.

It all became moot anyway as Mother Nature intervened on our behalf. Further proof (not that it was needed) that God is a Dandy and will if required literally piss on anyone who tries to shaft us....though f*ck knows how Michael Mockery has avoided bein turned into a pillar o salt like. As it was it's turned out alright for us as we avoided playing a game wi a patched up, knackered and demoralised squad. So hopefully a fully fit squad will deliver a form of karmic justice to the Well next Tuesday.

Smurn and the truly pathetic Pars were then dispatched in a professional manner with minimal effort.

Next up were the Champions elect. To use a Boxing analogy it was a promising young contender taking on the wily old champ. In the opening exchanges it looked like we might do them and had them pinned back on the ropes but not one but two sucker punches had us quickly on our arse...and whilst we quickly got up fae the canvas, from that point on despite our best efforts we barely laid a glove on them.

Rather than waste our time whinging and blaming refereeing decisions and the like we should just accept that we were just outwitted and outpunched by a superior opponent...hard to admit I know when talking about either of the sectarian filth but alas very true in my opinion.

Last Saturday saw us do our standard mugging of the Bairns...which if it continues much longer will result in Ester Rantsen getting on oor case and that's ye bang up tae date.

So what of the season so far?

Well the 'Performances vs Results' debate has raged amongst us all year. [Aye, but: Kirsty Allsopp - wid ye or wid ye no? - Ed] Those of us who are a tad cynical regarding our managers abilities to take us further forward do have to admit that bar being a bit o a gobby fanny merchant there is no case for building a gallows on the Y's floodlights and hanging the fat git by his giblets; indeed barring a complete and abject collapse in the last 10 games he's done enough this season to merit being given a fair crack o the whip nest season.

On the other hand his admirers have to concede that for all the talk of bugles and an attacking philosophy there has been little tangible evidence of this nor that our beloved Reds are ready to make that great leap forward we all desire, which despite what Jimmy may claim does go a long way to explain some of the poor (by our standards) attendances at Todders this year.

With 10 games to go and, regardless of who wins the Cup, only one UEFA spot left, we face three possible outcomes this year.

The first (finishing fourth or worse) would be devastating having been in the top three since October (someone tell this to Vougie Dipond, who on Saturday said we'd sneaked into third unnoticed....why in the name of f*ck does the Beeb employ this pish drummer fae a w*nk Tartan MOR band and autocue dyslexic in its Sports Department?) There's a lingering suspicion that we're bottlers, which would be amplified greatly if we failed to make it to Europe this time.

Of the other two options I feel we would be better served just now going straight into the UEFA Cup...oh dinna get me wrong, if we take the Champions League Preliminary Qualifying Round 2 slot (to give it it's correct title...let's kill this 'Champions League spot' bollocks now) I'll be happy as Larry the Lamb in the Ewe House and I wouldnae be grumbling, but here's my 'Reasons why not taking the CLPQR2 spot wouldnae be that bad'.

1. Lack of Euro experience.
Currently this amounts to Russ and Daz playing in the Hertha game, Seve has a bit fae his time at Hearts and Jamie has warmed the bench for the Tims in the CL, and...er...that's it. When you add this to the fact our manager has never managed a single minute in UEFA competition...well, considering we'd be going up against some of the worlds best club sides then you can hardly say we're well equipped...which leads us to point 2.

2. We'd just be Tourists.
Even if by some latter day miracle we got through to the group stages, we would just be there to make up the numbers and whilst seeing the Reds play in some of the finest stadia in Europe would indeed be a great experience, to be honest our best hope would be keeping the score down and the bookies would be offering short odds on us recording the worst ever CL record.

3. The Champions League Premium.
Fact is we'd also find when we came to negotiate new contracts wi oor existing players you can rest assured that any agent worth his salt will demand huge rises on the basis his client has 'Champions League experience', which would either mean we saddled ourselves wi wages we'd struggle to afford or (more likely) we'd have to break up the team. We could sign new players wi CL experience but again we'd have to pay premium wages and break our current wages structure.

A tad negative I grant ye but I'm sure most of ye accept that a healthy dose of pessimism and pragmatism is what's kept us sane over the last decade.

On the plus side, the UEFA Cup is more suited to our needs...depending on the draw, qualification for the group stages is not undoable, in fact it is actually harder not to progress fae the groups and once there, provided we won both our home group games, then we'd be odds-on to get through to the knockout phases.....as recent years have shown even modest clubs (like us) can do well in this tourney.

As for how we'll do...well we could almost knock Hearts out of contention if we beat them and take care of Well midweek...Hibs and Killie are too far behind to be a realistic threat...once that's done we can dust doon the auld passport and dream dreams of abusing our livers in foreign climes.

Jimmy said 62 points...I reckon to be absolutely certain of the UEFA spot we'll need another 18 or so points and the CLPQR2 spot will probably need 25+ out of the remaining 30.

The Red Avenger