Monthly...ish Review Fae The Red Side

It also helps when doin a review that you have actually seen a few games...well, I'm sadly lacking in that department as well wi just the skelpin o the Huns and the Motherwell fiasco (on da telly) as the sum total of my Red Hot Action to date this season(insert 10 minute freeview/wanking gag here)...indeed I've even avoided Scotsprat as whenever I see Andy Wanker I feel the irresistable urge to blooter ma telly...and that's even wi the sound down.

So this review is brought to you via the age old Scottish Hack tradition of 'Insight thru Ignorance' (think Andy Wanker) and therefore any sane Reds should dismiss it as rambling inane drivel and place as much credence to it as they would to say Stevie Wonder judging a Photography competition. In fact the only difference betwixt masel and Andy Wanker is that he (unbelievably) gets paid to broadcast his shite to the nation. Me? Ah've no even had the shottie on the company bike I wis promised (she's washing her hair apparently).

Anyway, breaches o contract by Ed aside let us begin...first off in line wi Ed's almost Reithian mission to 'Educate, entertain and inform' the sheepshagging masses.....did you know that John Peel was present at the assination of Lee Harvey Oswald? Feck all to do wi the Reds like but at least you learn something fae the bag o shite you're about tae read.

It appears in ma absence that the mighty Red Army...well the Cleetus the Slack Jawed Yokel Brigade of it who inhabit the letters pages of the Evening Depress anyway...have contracted a touch o avian flu.

Obviously no the apocalyptic bacacullus winging it oor way on the 'Ducks of Death' (TM - The Sun) of course (though I often wish they would), mair the sensationalist hype. Fact is currently, unless your into shaggin dead Parrots, there's nae chance of catchin Bird Flu but that hisnae stopped the Press speculating as to whether the Nation's Xmas Turkeys could be plague carriers....similarily the EE seems to be of the impression the UEFA spots are being divied oot some time tomorra not in May as is tradition and that our season is already over.

Now there's no doubt it's been a disappointing year so far and that the Tango and Sash honeymoon period is now over and some of those irritating habits we thought we'd get used to have got worse and folk are beginning to get a tad frustrated and pissed off wi our cuprinol coated Capo di Tutti.

My own ill informed opinion is that this frustration is being magnified by two factors.

Firstly we've stood still. Even last year I was moaning that we were effective but pretty boring to watch and as we lacked a cutting edge once we went behind we struggled and usually stayed behind. Despite the signing of 2 strikers to cover the loss of the patchy (at best) Whelan this ain't changed.

And it's been compunded by the individual errors which pockmarked and ruined Ebbe and Pele reigns creeping back into our game. By my reckoning we've lost 9-13 points already due to Defensive/Goalkeeping Errors/Missed Penalties and deflections (Pie Charts to follow).

This in itself wouldnae be too worrying were it not for the fact the 2 teams we slugged it outwith last year for the UEFA spot have got off to a flyer and have seemingly vanished over the horizon.

The result? Much depression and frustration in Aberdonia made worse by the fact this is the worse Huns team in a generation and unlike the Reekie Twins we just ain't been able to put the boot in.

Anyway I'm a fully paid up member o the Hopelessly Optimistic ASC and when it comes to Red causes the Fat Bird has got to have sang, done an encore and be back in her dressing room getting done doggy style by a groupie whilst snortin a line o the finest Bolivian afore I give up beleivin. So heres my reasons for why "oor seasons no over yet" or if yer a cynical fucker: "Straws: The Desperate Clutching of."

Anyway, any straw clutching exercise worth its weight in...err well straw, always begins wi the "Aw it's the injuries man"..a pretty crap straw to hold onto I'll grant ye as we derided the Jambos who tried this line on us around the same time last season - "abidy gets injuries man get o'er it" was the general retort - but there's little doubt that being unable to field our first choice back line and missing our Top Scorer has played a major part in our failing to sustain last year's form.

Some will claim this has been made worse by letting Big Phil go which coupled wi Zanders dip in form has meant Seve has been deployed in every position bar auxiliary goalpost. I agree Tango and Sash should accept some blame for this but not for letting Phil go (the right decision in my book) but the fact it took them until November to replace him which given Russ and Zander's propensity to get crocked/booked respectively shows a degree of negilence on their part for me. Still Baas is here now so we can but hope.

Traditionally the second straw in any straw clutching is always "Aye but look at the points we could won"...as I've mentioned above 9-13 points have been lost and 3 of our 5 defeats have resulted from individual errors. The team causing Aberdeen FC the most problems this season it appears is, well...Aberdeen FC unfortunately.

So if we take these two straws, apart fae having well twa straws we'd hae a reasonable case to argue that an injury and error free Aberdeen FC would be up and in the mix in this so called Title race the Reekie Twins are currently involved in wi the Jungle Jims.

Ah yes, the Reekie Twins. Now I've often maintained there is little between oursels and Hertz/Hubz I still do. OK I'll grant ye Hearts have a much better keeper and the difference between our frontline and Hibs is night and day but they also provide gainful employment to Jamie McAllister and Gary Smith respectively so ye ken it's like swings and roondabouts.

Therefore it's not unreasonable to expect that at some point this season they will suffer from the same injury problems/lack of form and sheer bad luck thats afflicted oor season to date and made it as joyless and satisfying as a Saturday night wank. The flip side is that it's also not unlikely that at some point we'll be blessed with a similar runs of good luck/form they've benefited from.

Yes both have been better sides than us to date it would be churlish to suggest otherwise but are Hearts really twice as good as us as the table suggested on Saturday morning? I think not.

Without diving into the melodramatic hyperbole spouted by Chuckles and his acolytes on the Depress I think the games between now and the bells will define our season. If we can have 30+ on the board going into the New Year I think we'll be well placed for the UEFA scrap. The simple logic underpinning this being that 40 points virtually guarentees you a Top 6 spot and 60+ usually suffices for the UEFA spot. We've certainly got less margin for error than the Reekie Twins but 30 points from the last 15-16 games is definetly doable.

Even if we fail to grab the UEFA spots, I think for most consolidating last year's gains was this year's target and despite the wailing fae Chuckle and the rest o the Turkey dodging fannies we should be a Top 6 side quite comfortably.

So what of the rest?

Well it's the Tims' title barring any last day bottling of title hopes. So as you've probably gathered I dinna rate the Reekie Twins 'Title challenge' as anything of the sort. In fact as ludicrous as it may sound now I doubt either will get near the second CL spot as that's going to the Huns that is.

Yep, while like everyone else I'm enjoying their woes, the sneaky suspicion remains that whether Agent Eck is there or not (probably not) I think the tale of the second part of the season will be of a 'Rangers revival' unfortunately.

If my conscience would allow betting on Satan's henchmen I'd put a decent wedge on them taking that 2nd spot (4/1 at the mo) after all they merely need to sweep the remaining games vs the Jambos and they'll be looking to just gain up 6 points from elsewhere in 20+ games and even wi the shower of shite their currently fielding they should manage that quite easily. And if that disnae work? Well, there's always the boys doon the ludge.

Nah the Reekie Twins will, like last year, be scrapping it out for the UEFA Consolation Cup spots wi us and the rest. Their current 'Title challenge' will like Hibs under Eck a few years back and umpteen other collapse post Xmas.

I said in August I thought it was a 3 way scrap between Well/Killie and ICT to grab the last Top 6 spot. Still do. Aye, Killie are currently ahead of us but how they cope post-Boyd remains to be seen. Well are like last year - wonderfully erratic and capable of beating/losing to anyone. ICT - well they ain't goin down though they need to figure out how to win at home.

Ah yes the pikeys for the 5th time in 6 years doomed to be chasing our tails yet again...god I was so jealous wi all those Euro trips to Helsinki and erm...well that was it, and thon Lee Miller has really set the heathers alight eh? Poor cherubs - pre-Pre season was once again the highlight of their year! Jism to hit the tissues by the bells I reckon.

Falkirk I reckon will be this year's Dundee - in other words, appear to be safe and out of the relegation scrap before they suddenly wake up in the shit and go down. The Pars and Livi-nil are so insignificant I cannae be arsed...though no doubt some arse will write we've got a 'grudge match' wi Yorkstons Pars in a few week.

So there ye go once again an over long rambling piece of ill informed keech but I'm sure you'll agree a more realistic and informed view than than the Raphael Scheidt spouted by Andy 'It was like they were playin Rangers' Wanker. (Quite what STV believe the nation will learn from cliched claptrap spouted by a man whose sole qualification seems to be that he was once back up to Wayne Biggens escapes and depresses me).

Anyway thats it folks the next monthly review should be wi ye some time in... eh..July. Stand Free!! Forza Dandies etc etc etc.

The Red Avenger