December's Monthly-ish Review Fae The Red Side

"Hey Santa! you f*ckin c**t
Wheres me f*cking bike ?
I've been thru all this other sh*t
And theres f*ck all that I like"

A Red version would presumably go...

"Hey Calderwood! You orange c*nt!!
Wheres our fucking striker like ?
We've had a look at this Crawford shite
And there fuck all that we like"

OK so maybe not and aye I ken it disnae scan proper.

I shoulda bloody known it would happen....I make my long unawaited return to the Y (well Section T actually...I think) for the Pars game and the Dons serve up a reet unmitigated steaming pile o shite.

Ma return was supposed to be Celtic game but well let's just say home made spirits...black out..coming to at 1.15...nae ticket....a bus strike and nae f*cking danger....yet even wi bastard hangover and a Tims defeat to deal wi I still felt a lot, a helluva lot better than I did over the last couple of Saturdays. (Incidently fitba when sober...well f*ckin overrated in my opinion).

"Watching paint dry"..."watching grass grow"..."watching X Factor/Strictly Come Wallpapering" - all tried and trusted homilies to describe mind numbing predictable tedium. I could say "2 hours of my life wasted" but then I'd be lying cos by the time we'd finally got behind Dunfermline and Crawford predictably ballsed it up I'd lost the will to live...well thats not strictly true, but I'd given up on us ever scoring and was yompin my way up the Merkland Road muttering highly libellous (not to mention physically impossible) obscenitities about that Stevie f*cking Crawford.

The most depressing thing about that performance...nah, 'performance' - that's too generous...the thing that depressed me about that 'appearance' was the way the players seemed to accept their fate. It was almost as if they accepted it was preordained that this one would end 0-0 and that there was f*ck all they could do to change it....and again at Livi-nil on Saturday furf*cksake.

This defeatist attitude was often detectable in the Ebbe/Pele era (as were weekly individual cock ups...notice a trend here folks?) the only difference is under Pele we invariably lost these games due to a 35 yard effort ricocheting of a defenders arse going 20 yards into the air and then into the net or the likes...these days we just suffer death by nil-nil.

As I've often said I'm a fully paid up member of the Hopelessly Optimistic ASC but I'm sorry but Dunfermline and Livi-nil are footballing plankton...bottom feeders whose sole purpose is to provide easy wins and boost yer goal difference, failing to beat them is unf*ckingacceptable...that's not arrogance, just a mere statement of the bleedingly obvious and no more than clubs with ambitions to be in Top 6/UEFA spots should expect.

As I said, difference is that under Ebbe/Pele we really were in the shit and now, even as dismal as things are and we may well bore ourselves to death, there's no chance of us needing a First Division Grounds map next season...a prescription to Prozac/Valium maybees but relegation - nah.

This slump, for that's all it is (yes I'm still in the Hopelessly Optimistic ASC), has lead many to wonder about getting rid of the Cuprinol coated f*ckwit after all we've been here before under Ebbe...hell even under Aitken...on the cusp of a new dawn and heading in the right direcrtion and then the team regresses, it's understandable then that some are begin to ask whether Tango really is the messiah or just some fat perma tanned chancer who got lucky.

So Tango's head on a platter....nah. However if we f*ck up the remaining festive games and exit the Cup to the Pikeys then our season becomes (even more) meaningless as we'd need snookers/incriminating photos to have a sniff of Europe and whilst a Top 6 place may be cause for an open topped bus parade in Dundee it's the minimum expectation for any Dons side...if we get off to anything other than a flyer next season in that scenario it would be a miracle if Tango and Sash make it to Xmas.

Of course at a time of crisis it's traditional to select a scapegoat...quelle suprise given my reaction to his signin my scapegoat of choice is Steven Crawford - alleged Forward. I've never liked or rated the guy, he offers little and gives even less as they say. I see no coincidence that since his arrival our front line has gone from being powder puff to non-existant. I had exceptionally low expectations for the waste of space and depressingly he's somehow managed to limbo dance with ease under them.

What makes this even worse is the guy obviously has no confidence whatsoever...f*ck even David Blunkett (provided he wisnae getting his end away) could tell ye that yet it seems our Manager can't. "Ah but look at all the hard work he does outside the box etc etc" his champions will say (usually fat permatanned Weegies) - well, nae offence but I think we can all name a player at almost every SPL side who does all that and SCORES F*CKING GOALS.

I suspect if Mackie put in the type of peformances he has then he'd be exiled to the Reserves till he got his arse in gear. Not so Crawford...I mean Stewart is banging them in in the reserves why not give him a shot?....ok so he may not be the new Ronaldinho (mair Mackie's less talented Brither) but he's surely got to be better than the feckless waste of space that is Crawford.

Oh and incidently Tango....McInnes? Perhaps we should stick to buying just the one piece of Arab shite per season eh?

I've got no object to Tango goin back to the Pars and cherrypickin the best parts of his old side after all it's an age old fitba tradition Fergie did the same wi St Mirren to great effect....but Fergie DID cherrypick, he didnae go and buy a joblot of variable quality...

So what of Tango's job lot ?

Langfield - A poorer version of Esson....why?

Nicholson - Never understood the attraction to the guy who I've always thought of as Darren Young wi 'go faster' stripes.

Dempsey - Presumably searching for Makepiece cos he's done bugger all to date.

Bryne - Wavers betwixt cult and cu*t...when we're doin well he adds novelty value/entertainment (cult) in a bad side he become a totemic symbol of whats wrong (cu*t).

And of course all topped of wi the perpetually useless Crawford...the signing of whom has left the transfer kitty empty and as a double whammy of misfortune he has no resale value whatsoever.

The sign of a good manager is of course how they react when things go wrong. Tango and Sash lapped up the adoration when they led us from being crap to mediocre/average, and now is the time for them to start doing their job....though hopes aren't high when our manager's response to an awful draw with the worse side in Christendom amounted to: "F*cked if I know."

Of course we're not completely f*cked and a brace o wins against Well and ICT turn over the Pikeys at Tannalice and we're almost back in clover...hence why I dinna think he should go....just now. I think history will show this to be a particularily miserable spell in a dull and instantly forgetable season of consolidation for us. I do think we will eventually hit form but sadly I fear it will come probably 2/3 weeks too late for us to do anything of note.

A prediction for our Festive double header then? 4 points...a win at Fir Park and a draw in front of the usual bumper festive crowd against Caley.

It may be a statistical quirk but I think I'm right in saying our Derby Du Nord clashes wi Caley at Todders (ok theres only been 2) attract the largest non OF crowds in the country with the club issuing 'nae room at the Inn' and 19000+ turning up for both (the gaps being in the ICT sections)

OK so it's nae really a Derby what wi them coming fae 100 miles away and only having existed for a decade or so but given time a few mass brawls, some crowds aggro and it might turn into a decent enough 'Derby' game....on the subject of fitba violence there was much sniggering dans le Dutch when last years December FHM listed the Dons v ICT in their 'Top 5 Festive Footie Fistfights'...someone on the wind up I reckon.

Time for the rest then....The Tims - they've signed some Irish bloke apparently...should sell a few shirts then...other than that I fail to see what he'll add, I mean they're gonna win the title anyway. As predicted last month the Huns woes didnae continue (damn and blast) they're still a very poor side but if you put money on them taking the second CL spot well I think your immoral earnings are pretty much in the bank.

And now it's time for the monthly 'Panning the Reekie Twins cos we're shite this year' bit. Now to avoid accusation that I just rattle off the same auld keech month after month usually "much of a muchness blah blah blah", I'm gonna change tack slightly and use a slightly different analogy...so bear with me.

But before I do can I point out that Hearts like us were over reliant on goals from an attacking midfielder and had little up front once the midfielders goals dried up (Smith for us..Skacel for them) both side have ground to a halt. Have I ever mentioned I think we're much of a muchness by any chance?

Where was I...oh aye the analogy thingy.

Now (just) afore I wis a glint in the old dear's milkman's eye there were 3 colossus heavyweights all of whom could beat each other on any given night. Ourselves and the Reekie Twins are, if you like, the 3 heavyweights. Hibs take the Ali role (entertaining telegenic and widely popular wi the public), Hearts? well, they're Joe Frazier (pug ugly and hated by everyone bar their loved ones) and us, we're George Foreman...slow, pondering, predictable, but with a nice line in Kitchen utensils. Now Frazier beat Ali, and then Foreman beat Frazier and then Ali beat Foreman....which is kinda whats been happening between oorsels and the Reekie Twins o'er the last few years....yageddit?

I'll obviously bow to Red Zep and Peemsters superior knowledge of the noble art o yer pugilism but I think we can all agree that if SPL sides were heavyweights the Arabs would be Audrey Harrison!

As for the Cup game wi teh Pikeys well it depends whether its Jism or Jum Jeffries we face.....Jism we'll walk it Jeffries and beware the honeymoon period. So there we go...our season could be done and dusted within a fortnight.

A pretty shite review for a pretty shite month then....there's something almost poetic about that...maybe. Any upside? Well we have gained ground on the Jambos as predicted but alas that's a double edged sword as it's only by a point when it shoulda bin 5....

Och bugger it....Peace and f*ckin yeah....Stand Free etc etc

See ye next season (unless of course we beat dem Arabs....Gloryhuntin ASC)

The Red Avenger