31 Days...Fae The Red Side

Seven games in 31 days, including games against all our Top 6 rivals that will pretty much define how this season evolves.

Alternatively of course you could call this the 'Aiberdeen-Mud Festive Fitba Predictor/Advent Calendar thingy' but I'm gonna stick wi '31 Days'; ken, make us sound like one o those pretenshus intellekchalls or a reet clever f*cker if ye like.

Anyway, 'tis the season to be jolly (or pished if yer no intae euphemisms) and of goodwill to all men...yes, even to fat, Cuprinol-coated, tactically inept, Weegie gobsh*te, impersonatin a fitba manager twats as well.

Now, some have outrageously suggested I've been perhaps a tad harsh on our Glorious Leader, hypercritical....nit picky even. Now, in light of our recent good run (admittedly against the bottom feeders...but hey, that would be terribly...well nitpicky), if I was, say, Chick Young or Gordon Smith, I'd hide behind semantics and go: 'well I think you'll find I never ACTUALLY said that' (I refer you to Mr Young's contradictory opinions on Hearts in his BBC column).

Thankfully however, I'm not Chick Young (same crap hairstyle though) and I stand by every word and rant I've made about the Cuprinoled one this season, but I would like to point out that since day one I've been saying that nothing would give me greater pleasure than for him to prove me wrong and for me to be proven to be the complete f*ckin twat who disnae ken fit he's on about....ok, again.

Therefore you will find this review thingy to be comparatively complimentary and, well...er, upbeat regarding the Reds and our Cuprinol Coated Leader.

Obviously anyone making match and score predictions over a month before the games are played is on a hiding to nothing and making a rod for their own back as you have no way of knowing or taking into account injuries, loss of form, Michael Mockery's 'refereeing' and in our case the vagaries of 'Tango's Tactical Tombola', but what the hey...lets have a go.

Anyway before we begin this relatively upbeat and positive Preview we do have to take into account a couple of negative factors I'm afraid:

1. It's December....and we're ALWAYS shite in December.

In both Calderwood's seasons to date, December has usually meant the worst run of form we've experienced all season...last year's started wi a defeat to the Junglies and went south wi insipid 0-0 draws against the Pars, Livi and Caley wi a Boxing Day horsing at Well in between.

In fact this isnae just a Calderwood thing...even under Fergie when we'd only lose 4 or 5 games a season you could bet good money on a couple of them being over the festive period. However seeing as this is an upbeat preview, it should be pointed out that in both Calderwood's previous seasons, after the bells we've been one of the form teams (I'm excluding the Scottish Cup obviously).

2. Our record against the Top Six is...well, as a dyslexic would have it: 'funkin hockin'.

Or something like that. Against the other sides we finished in the Top 6 wi last year bar the 'Only Team wi Young Scottish Talent' aka 'Flair FC' aka Hibs, our record reads: Played 4 Lost 4', and the bad news is that we play all five sides in the next seven games.

Though keepin the positive thinking vibe gaun...all bar the Hearts game were 1-0 defeats, and that Hearts game could have easily finished 3-1 the other way and all bar the most deluded Yams could have had little argument.

Anyway, enough negativity. Let us begin wi the preview thingy....

December 2nd - Celtic (Away)

Ah the Brendanbau!!

One of Scotland's '5-Star Stadiums' (allegedly) wi' it's corrugated iron roof and stands, £25 for a restricted view of a girder, and tickets for well, non-existent seats. Throw in a stewarding crew that will gladly turn a blind eye to the Plastic Paddery goin on behind them but will huckle ye for standing up to go to the toilet and god forbid having or displaying any scarf/flag that may be construed as 'Scottish' (the vile bigot so ye are byraway).

It's genuinely hard to see why UEFA havenae put it on their circuit for big Euro Finals...well apart from it being a shithole inhabited by some of the vilest ginger-pubed, monobrowed, buck teethed pondlife in Christendom that is, and that's without mentioning Neil Lennon.

Anyway in the days of Uncle Ebbe these trips used to be made wi broon troosers and observed thru fingers... but these days they should hold no fears. True, offensively the Junglies are the most awesome side gaun forward in the SPL, though paradoxically the more you attack Celtic the less of a threat they are. Hopefully then Jimmy will avoid trying to play 3-6-1 again and have a go.

Nae 'gormless throw a'bidy forward' havin a go - that would be suicide - but we should certainly try and get at them as it's at the back they're an accident waiting to happen wi Balde and McManus. They are not complete haddies or without their strengths however and if we're restricted to lobbin' high balls into the box we may as well just put two traffic cones wi 'Miller' and 'Lovell/Mackie' on them and give up the ghost.

However, as Hibs showed last week, low balls delivered at pace into and around the box shows their central defenders up for the uncoordinated Donkeys they are...of course it would be too much for them to be punished appropriately by the incompetents who pass for referees in the SPL, Balde in particular benefited from Michael Mockery's 'unique' style o refereein last week at Hibs, receiving about half a dozen last chances.

So in line wi the upbeat and optimistic theme o this preview, I'm gonna predict we'll take something fae our trip on Saturday...provided of course we dinna try the 3-6-1 nonsense that induced narcolepsy back in September.

As regular 'Red Side' readers will be aware, a preview isnae a preview unless there's a clunky 'disnae really work and he's no really thought that through like' analogy delivered in faux Swiss Toni sort of a wye, so...

'Taking points at the Brendanbau is a bit like taking on the Death Star in Star Wars...as long as you believe in the...er...Force and hold your nerve...err...you blow the thing to kingdom come or summat like that'...(see, telt ye ah hadnae thought it through properly).

Prediction - Celtic 1 Aberdeen 1

December 9th - Falkirk (Home)

This is the 'stick athing including yer first born's soul on it for a win' banker this month. Aye I know fit yer goin to say...Anthony Stokes and Latapy. Well, nae offence but Russ and the defence should shut them down without any real hassle.

Once that's done Falkirk have f*ck all to offer other than honest First Division Journeyman effort...and as has been shown in recent weeks we've become quite efficient at disposing of those sort of outfits.

Throw in the fact we never lose to Falkirk at Todders - the only one I recall is a Richard Cadete (I think) winner in the dark ages under A*tken in my 33 and a bit years on this planet. We swept them last year, Christ even Gary f*ckin Dempsey scored against them last time...come on, this een's in the bag min.

And if none of the above convinces ye may I remind you they are managed by thon managerial guru John 'Yogi' Hughes...EASY min! We probably winna win as many as we could but we will win quite comfortably all the same.

Well, as confidently predicted last August, the Yams cycle has kicked in...a la the usual implosion a few months after the 'Great Leap' forward. I could go on but I think Beelzebub's and Don In's threads (and your contributions to them) on Stand Free and the Media Darlings board means there's very little to add to the farce that is the former Texaco Cup Runners Up wi 'HOMO FC' on their socks.

Having said that they are not to be dismissed to easily...in Gordon they do have one of the best keepers in Britain, Pressley and Hartley whilst overrated loathsome cheating hairy tosspots do provide the solid spine/dirty bastard element every successful side needs. Indeed if it wasn't so pant wettingly funny, Mad Vlad's interference in team affairs would be tragic.

So I'm gonna go for a score draw here (though one shouldnae discount the obligatory 1-0 defeat to a dodgy pen option)...we do have an awful record down there and I did say pre-season I reckon we would split the points pre split wi them, i.e. a win, draw and defeat, so I'll take a point here and the greater pleasure of pumping them up here in the spring

Prediction - Hearts 1 Aberdeen 1

Ah, the main event. This is THE game that has had Reds salivating for the last month...throw in the return o the exiles and Pittodrie will no doubt see by far it's biggest crowd o the year....and certainly most drunken coming as it does 24 hours after 'Mad Friday'...12.30 Kick off or no this could be the drunkest ever crowd inside the old lady.

I think we're pragmatic enough to accept our chances of finishing above them come May are slimmer than a Blue Rizla paper but a third straight home win against the Govan Troglodytes would for the majority of the Red Army be the best Christmas present EVER...okay, maybe nae topping 'Eagle Eyes Action Man' back in 1978 but pretty damn close.

I've already written tae Suntie...

As for the game, well Jimmy has proven over the last season and a bit he kens how to play them....stick a man on Sir Baz o the Chav, watch Prso and stick Russ on Boyd. If we play the way we usually do against them and exploit that exceptionally soft central defence of theirs then I can see us winning with (naturally) a Lovell brace.

Prediction - The Righteous Forces o' Justice fae Aberdonia 3 Satan's Jism Spawn 1

Killie are the 'Morton o the New Millennium'. For our younger readers, in the day when we were conquering all Europe, gubbing Real and Bayern and the likes, we'd regularly be beaten by a Morton side that was always in the relegation zone and who best player was an overweight alky....who invariably score the winner.

Ever since Killie came back up in the mid 90's they've had a similar hex over us, they were the first side ever to sweep us in a season for example and while I can recall many hidings fae the Squirrelhumpers I cannae mind us dishing out that many back.

For this reason I think this will be an anticlimactic and instantly forgettable game compared to the Buns three days earlier....a hangover in many ways won by a Russ header.

Prediction - Aberdeen 1 Killie 0

December 30th - Pikey Rabs (Away)

Grr...'Derby'...grrr...'New Firm'....nah I'll leave those rants aside just now.

Many Reds have observed the Arabs seem to be us on a 5 year delay...well if Brewster was their 'Pele' then Levein is their 'Calderwood'. Levein no doubt will bring his patented thuggery and trundling ugliness to Tannadump in due course (thank god we play them before the window opens) but the Pikeys winna be that bothered as, like us in Jimmy's first year, it's the results that will matter most and if they're achieved by grinding teams down and being hard to beat, I doubt they'll care that much.

The usual bumper Reds crowd will help Arkwright reclaim some of the fortune he's lost already...once again the Reds will make up 50% of the gate including taking over the Shed (Shed Rulez!...aye that'll be f*ckin right). Should be a crackin day out which can only be ruined by some of the most powermad stewards on the planet and for those Reds shoehorned into a stand that even Hobbits claim hasnae got enough leg room.

Oh and bear in mind this is Dundee United we're dealing wi so do try and get there early, I can't think of another club with worse organisation skills when it comes to dealing wi big crowds...and how on earth they get away with issuing raffle tickets in an age when everyone is supposed to get a numbered ticket and seats (and have the balls to charge £25 for it as well) is baffling.

Anyway the game itself...well we never sweep the Arabs and we will drop points to them at some point this year...I reckon it will be in this one, but a festive footie classic I reckon...

January 2nd - Hibs (Away)

Ah Flair FC, the Media Darlings of the Scottish game. It seems every fitba hack in the country wants to fellate John Collins and side (metaphorically of course) and the myths flow freely...'Young Scottish talent' for example when less than half their side last week against the Junglies was Scottish, oh and lets not overlook 'They've improved under Collins'...you'd think the hack pack had never heard of the 'New Manager bounce'.

The Hibs we'll meet in Leith after the bells is the exact same Hibs side we've dominated in the head to heads since Jimmy arrived.

Jimmy has bemoaned the fact that while our overall records over that period are virtually identical Hibs have garnered more praise...one can only assume that this is down to the fact exciting but erratic form attracts praise and attention whilst dour professionalism disnae [unless it's the Scottish national team of course... - Ed].

Whilst we've nothing to fear from Hibs I actually think we'll get beat in Leith. After all, they've got to win one of them some time and back in July I said we'd split the points wi them, and with a win and a draw already on the board...ken consistency n'at.

Prediction - Hibs 2 Aberdeen 1

Now by my reckoning that gives us 12 points from the seven games and to be honest I'll take that right now even if it's not achieved exactly as I've predicted.

Without wanting to insult your intelligence that would put us on 40 points and effectively mean our Top 6 spot is assured. It should also be enough, with our current lead and the fact there's an Edinburgh Derby to come, ensure that at last we go into the New Year not playing catch up wi the Reekie Twins.

With our Top 6 spot in the bag we can then concentrate on grabbing the UEFA spot...Jimmy reckons we'll need 62 points for this and given after this run of games we face a run of 5 games that produced 13 points from 15 we could almost be in the position to start booking our flights for our Euro excursion to Kazakhstan or Helsinki by mid March if all goes to plan. Once that's done, then and only then will we start thinking about Champions League Qualifiers spots.

Anyway that's that, just time for Ed to put in one of his article stealing inserts....oh about here [job done - Ed]....and plug 'Beat the Manager' and the obligatory offer for you to give your own opinions/predictions/call me a baldy arse on the Stand Free Messageboard.

Slater, Stand Free and a Blaha humbug to one and all.

The Red Avenger